(deep breath....)
(and another....)

Wow. I had no idea you lost your Dad two months ago also. I am really feeling for you, with you. though I know we are all different, our similar losses bring us closer to understanding each other. Losing a parent is not like anything else I have experienced. Nothing seems right about it.

Knowing that happened so recently to you as well, it is understandable you feel the way you do! You say I have courage and strength of character, maybe so, at least a little more each day. but everyone grieves differently, and there is no right or wrong way to fumble through it.

You say you do not 'feel the feelings' (of beauty)...but then you say that you hurt so very much, so you are feeling something. Just not joy, beauty. but not numbness, right? well, I feel numb some days too. I read that is natural, going through all of these emotions.

You've probably heard this before, but here goes...

"Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, 'Joy is greater than sorrow', and others say, 'Nay, sorrow is the greater.'
But I say unto you, they are inseperable.
Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember the other is asleep upon your bed."

from "The Prophet" by Kahlil Gibran, the only 'spiritual' book my family members all appreciate. Back in the 60's, it appeared mysteriously in my mother's mailbox. Talk about an act of beauty.

Those seemed like the most important parts of that chapter...

just imagine this will be the largest well or vessel of all which you are tempering to contain your deepest joys! but by all means, ask for help if it is too much to manage or go on.

you know, my sister and I are not speaking to each other. She didn't like the tone of my emails and phone calls. She is uncomfortable that I am openly grieving. I told her I felt the need to go to a grief support group, especially living so far from my whole family. She said, why do that? You'll only re-open your wound. Its time to stop feeling sorry for yourself and get on with your life. (Re-open???!!! could hers have possibly closed so soon? she was the closest to him, after all.)

No one can tell me how to feel, even me. I did try a grief group a month ago that did not go well. I then tried a different one tonight. This one was much more fitting for me. I felt there was room for me to be heard no matter what I needed to say. Everyone there was respectful toward each other. It didn't push me way toward the deep end like the last one did. (among other things, the group leader told me the group was probably not a good fit for me, then tried to seduce me into her private practice.) Tonite, I felt a huge rush of relief after being in the room with those amazing women, and feeling their ears, eyes and hands reach out to me. I felt one step closer to creating the performances I feel compelled to create to grieve my father and my ex. Before I felt fearful and embarrassed to even try, to even begin. Not like me.

the best thing about these groups is they are free, through hospices and hospitals, and cancer organizations, etc. it took quite a few phone calls to find the right one, but that process alone got me asking, 'am I grieving? can I handle it alone? with the people around me? what would support me in moving through this? what am I looking for right now?" etc.

I hope that makes some sense. For now, forget that life is beautiful. If you feel you are missing out, maybe beauty isn't the experience you need most right now. Let it go...I hate it when people say that...but hey. Sometimes trying hard interferes too. and I tend to try hard when I am uncomfortable with the new way of being that is emerging. My darkest times of the past I now remenisce about almost romantically. They were some of the richest times, even though I often wanted to die. I can now admire my personal hell from a safe distance.

whine, moan, scream into pillows. I used to sit out in the dark with a handheld tape recorder saying how much things sucked, swearing as much as possible and being really really bitter. write the nastiness down, there's something beneath it worth excavating. If you need more advice, contact me, I seem to be on a role. Take it or leave it, as I am very tired and wondering about whether to send it...

I almost took myself off Tribe the other day (is it even possible?) the reason was too much time sucked in, and hurting my hands typing, and because I'm so fucked up with grief right now, feeling I'd disclosed too much of it on here...feeling vulnerable. then I saw Thomas and your reply to me. Thank you for that. Just more proof that what would normally seem 'in character', 'appropriate' or 'safe' goes out the window at a time like this. also our stories help others. For whatever reason, this is the medium for right now.

And I just want to say, the more I do whatever the fuck I want because I am grieving, the more I feel my power! It carries me through.

Let's keep talking if you can bear it. I am getting ready for one of the toughest journeys of my life. As if it could get much harder.

peace
ang